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Donation Stream to get to AGDQ [24 Nov 2011|02:52am]
Hey all, I guess I'm just next in the grand ol' sequence of people who need help.

I am not going to beg for donations but the rules are all the same.

Games are 5$ per half an hour of playing.
5$ more for stipulations
(10$ for an hour, 15$ for an hour w/ conditions, or 10$ for half an hour with conditions)

My list of stuff I can actually mess with is

I can also emulate about everything emulatable up to PS2. My wii is also questionable so some things there might be possible... but I'd need to know in advance and I would probably add a surcharge to deal w/ extra work arounds for wii games.

If you feel I'm just doing this for free money you can feel free to put in the option of "payback" in which I will payback the money you donate to me, probably mid december or after the marathon (depending on your choice). I will still play your game if you wanted me to play one, as a sort of down payment... on making it good.

I am just needing the 300$ for the room, so thats all of my goal. Thank you for your time.
Anything Extra will probably run into food, or donations flat to the charity.

50$ Bonus - Bonus Suffer Hour! 1hr of Poverty Game, chat choice!

100$ Bonus - Krion Conquest! Game Completion!

150$ Bonus - Rane-luck Demonstration with any game... by popular vote.

200$ Bonus - CV:SoTN run, chat chooses rules (outside of Low%).

250$ Bonus - Binding of Isaac No Upgrade Challenge! I will not pickup any power items as Isaac (BOMBS/KEYS/HEARTS OK, HP UP/ANY STAT BOOST/ETC not ok).

300$ Clear Bonus - Streamed RPG SNES run of chat choice, speed run if possible.
FF4, FF5, Live-A-Live, or any other SNES rpg (not sd3).

400$ WTF Bonus - Will LP SD3 (co-op w/ someone i know, or something) until they are sick of it.

500$ ZOMG Bonus - 2L Chug Challenge at AGDQ2 + I will do one "request" of the top 3 donators at AGDQ. This could be dress up, acting out, etc.

Donation Widget is on my stream page

Game List:

Lagoon - 30 Minutes w/ musical accompanyment by Trekhaak 10$
Sweet Home For Nes - Completion 25$ (Mercdotcom)
Re5 Lost in Nightmares Knife Only - Until Done - 20$ (englishman)
Virtual Bart (GEN) - 10$ For an Hour (moooh)
and yet it moves to make up for screwing upa nd only doing half an hour of virtual bart T_T
Super Castlevania 4 - 10$ For an Hour (Sam<3)
Jewel Master (GEN) - 5$ Half an hour (BreakDown)
?????? - 13.40$ for TAKE MY MONEY DAMMIT
MORE IDUNNOYET - 5$ for getting to AGDQ'12 Fisherrob
IDUNNOYET (VVVVVV MOD) - 10$ for Carc to play 1 hr from Romscout.
Eversion - 5$ for half an hour
RedZone - 5$ for half an hour
Free time! - 5$ half an hour
HYDLIDE (any) - 10$ for an hour

Metroid II - 5$ Half an hour!
Megamari - 5$ Half an Hour
Dracula X (SNES) - 5$ half an hour
RKS - 5$ half an hour
Streams choice! - 10$ an hour
Batman Forever - 5$ half an hour
Young Merlin - 5$ half an hour
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Rane's Donation Stream! [23 Sep 2010|07:13am]
Okay okay, so I'm a total loser and am bumming an idea off the great ULTRAJMAN, who had a successful donation stream.

So whats the idea? I got a weekend, and I'm going to suffer through the weekend playing whatever you people pay me to play...

Seems rather simple ya? Well there are a few ground rules...

1. Check with me about the game first! Anything ps2 or older is fairly safe for me to play (barring xbox). But anything newer, you'd have to ask. For console specific stuff you can check my backloggery...

2. You pay for the time, and so you will get it. Favorably I will generally also try to play it while you are there. But I can not make exceptions, if there is nothing else to play it will get done.

3. People can make any game interesting by upping the ante. I will allow others to donate to modify rules to a game, but only on my acceptance. Meaning while person A says I play game x. Person B can pitch in $ to say make me do it without power ups, or something equally as mean. But I may refuse this modifier. If Person A included the modifier with the game, I cannot refuse it.

4. Generally check with me about the game, I do have veto power. I don't wanna be playing the same thing over and over, and this is probably going to be how my veto power will be used.

5. Be kind to all who come to watch. Some people are awesome and donated, some people just wanna get rep. Dont be a hater.

Donation Options:
To play a Game:
3$ for half hour, 5$ for an hour.
To play a game with stipulation(s).
5$ for half hour, 10$ for an hour. (Cost may go up with more stipulations)
To play a game CO-OP (you or another mod),
6$ for half hour, 12$ for an hour {takes more effort}
To play a game VS (you or another mod)
5$ for half hour, 10$ for an hour {more effort but, probably easier to deal with}.

If you want to add rules to a game you didn't pay for...
2$ for half hour, 5$ for an hour.
So you can pay 2$ to have me play Game X with Condition Y for half an hour (you came in halfway, or such).

ALL GAME REQUESTS SHOULD BE MARKED IN PAYPAL, if you forget... Sending me a PM on IRC can be an okay idea (need something to prove its you, say like the EMAIL you used in paypal), or a PM on youtube

Every thing has got to have them. Help me get to a mark and I'll see what I can do.

Mark 1 - 5$ (first donation!)
Donators are OP'ed for their game's time.
Mark 2 - 50$ (a little deeper)
Bonus 1 hour free play - I'll put up a voting box with 4 games (chosen from chat) and winner will be played for free for an hour. All memes related to the game are ok!
30 Minutes left of "free hour"
Mark 3 - 100$ (woo! getting closer)
Romscout and I will race! Probably CV:SoTN, maybe something else!
Rom won SoTN and MM9
Mark 4 - 200$ (whee! solid) {Post poned.. J is out for a week! If hit will still do sometime!}
I'll convince Jman to do something weird and fun with me. Maybe I'll suffer through his bad game?
Mark 5 - 500$ (What the?)
After JMan sets out his alpha of IWSYS with a boss... I will play up to the boss and beat the boss. This might not be done in the donation stream time (as well, i'm sure to hit this... something crazy happened!), but it will be recorded for all to see and take pleasure in...

Donation stream will take play on the 22nd of October, starting at 8PM EST. Stream will probably start up earlier but playing won't start til 8. This is to gather hype.

Donate Button:

--GAME LIST-- (In Order)
Streets of Rage 2 (MANIA- 5$ DONE
Seiken Densetsu 3 - 20$ DONE
Contra 3 (Hard) - 10$ DONE
Ninja ken: ashura no shou - part of above 10$ DONE
Shadow Of the Colossus - 25$ An Hour DONE {Modified to 30 mins + 30 mins of ninjaKun}
Live-A-Live(NinjaChapter NO kills) - 10$
Axelay ??? - 10$ DONE
Nocturne Hard - (10$ of the 20 for SD3) done
Star tropis - 3$ Half an hour
LTTP - 3$ half an hour
Battletoads in Ragnorak's World - 5$ half an hour DONE +10$ for megawarp hit (turbo tunnel)
Hagane - 10$ hour DONE
Recca - 3$ half hour
Whatever the hell carc wants - 50$ ?????
Trio the Punch - 5$ Hour
Sd3 (Speed run Progress) - 10$ Hour
Shantae - 5$ Hour
J.J. Sqwuakers - 5$ hour
Secret Agent - 5$ Hour
Sweet Home - 25$ hour
Sonic Adventure - 5$ half hour
Sonic Adventure 2 - 5$ half hour
Guerilla War - 3$ half hour
Claymates - 5$ hour yay for debug code =D
Castlevania 64 - 5$ hour
ZZT/Megaman 1 - half hour
MM1 - 5$ hour
God Hand - 5$ hour
PuLiRuLa - half hour
GROWL - half hour

Donation total so far: 270$! Whoa crap! =D I love you all so far!

Stream status: on going

Breaking in the will... [17 Apr 2009|04:44am]
[ mood | listless ]

So I've been rather lax lately. I dropped a class cause I couldn't deal with the practical interferring with my knowledge on theory. I understood the topics but couldn't deal with math in theory. Gonna try again with some more studying in the summer...

But since then I've had a bit too much free time and I've been doing random other things. I picked up WoW and a guild with my Bro in it. We do some crazy wild things... I get pissed off at some of the dumbasses in the guild, and now I know why he said "There is a good core of ~15 people the rest are meh."

I also have been trying to draft Magic.. I fail hard there but thats just practice. Each week I do better, preform better and get closer and closer to winning. (I also seem to get paired up with the guys who place high as shit) I am feeling rather blegh. I can't seem to find a good sleeping schedule. Things dont fair right and things happen.

Life has been a daunting loss of time, swallowing of some hard emotions and disappointment. I was tooo sick to drive out to see someone i wanted to. And only things that were said was, "there will be other times.." I feel bad about it cause I wanted to show up, and I even worked my ass off to make it so. Yeah I picarded that crap but my body said "Nay!".

but what does it really matter i've hit a point of bleh complacency. I stopped doing my Seiken Densetsu 3 speed run... I dont have a good reason other than I lost my inspiration to do it. Despite so many people congratulating me on 'raping' the game. Its just something changed in me, I lost something into nothingness again. I feel like I lost my inspiration, that key that turns and unlocks that great part of me.

I feel when I lay down that I'm in paradise... Its weird to say but its relaxing... too relaxing. I got so much to do but I just wanna lay down and stare up at stars.. There aren't any really.

I need someone to jolt me... I wish... so much.
"It'll come when it does..." I always hear. But then i always hear, "If you don't try, you won't succeed." What is it? Do you wait for opportunity to knock or do you sit there and go out looking for opportunity, and stop him from knocking on someone else's door...



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Acquired item! [20 Jan 2009|11:55am]
[ mood | calm ]

So yesterday due to the holiday I decided to go see about the circuit city liquidation sale ... cause you know 10% off anything is good, but I thought i'd take a look at a monitor... I've needed a new one since my MAMMOTH is unruly and rather... shall we say HEAVY? So I managed to pick up a nice 22" wide screen monitor. Its an ACER, and the quality is dah-uhm nice.

Also while I was out, I had a bit of a spree. I picked up some cables to be able to hook up my PSP to my tv. Then because my PC's graphics card is just well a little wonky and fried out. I needed to pick up one. I stopped by Best Buy to take a quick look. Sold out of AGP cards (my rig was built a little before PCI-E. and needs to be updated anyway but I need a card to get me til then... cause I would like to use my monitor T_T). So Cormac and I wandered about Best Buy to waste some time. We plopped out and ended up buying Spawn (the HBO series), and Guyver (anime!). Kinda crazy, since of whatever.
Then I went home and hopped on newegg.com. Looked at AGP cards, looked at sales. Found a pretty good Nvidia geforce 6200 for only 60$!. The one I was using was a 5650 (AKA Nvidia card made by another manufacturer, still a good one for 5600 series). Also this upgrades the ram from 128 to 256! So I made out yesterday....
22" monitor, Gfx card, a nice dvd of Spawn and some psp cables.

The Psp cables aren't anything special but sometimes, you just don't wanna stare down you wanna look at a tv....

Anyway, I felt bad cause I was going to go to Orlando for sunday to game, but I woke up sunday with NASTY bad belly as my mom would call it, and didn't feel like driving 2 hours with a bad stomach. I am sorry cause I promised I would show and I didn't... I'll just have to show up next time.

I was staring at a collection of Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but it was ugh frustrating. 45$ for the first half of the series and the SOS brigade band or 45$ for the WHOLE series, nothing fancy... EH!? So I decided... I'll wait til its not ... oh never mind it won't NOT be a cult classic. I also stared at .hack//legendofthetwillight and was like.. 30$? maybe when its 20$ i'll have.. nope. Probably never gonna get that series til its the last thing OF .hack I'd need.

I still need the last .hack//G.U. game and all of .hack//roots! I would like the WHOLE collection (1 of) each of the .hack//enemy cards but that could be wierd.... Damn my obsession with all things .hack!

blah, random rampage ftl.

have a good day and peace out


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Ugh, Rant on stupid crap [27 Dec 2008|06:44pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So... I had a pretty good Christmas.

I got a ps3 which i wanted, but I just got a few things to say.

1. I was sorta mad at my room mate. Not cause he also got a ps3 but because of what he suggested. "You should just leave yours there, and I'll bring mine to the apartment." ...
Now.. I donno what you would think of that, but I just thought that would be a HUGE smack to my mother and father's face. "Thanks for buying me this 400+$ system, but .. I'm just gonna leave it here to collect dust since I practically never visit."

Ugh I wish he'd think sometimes before he speaks. After I mentioned it, he agreed it would be kinda stupid...

2. So because my parents didnt want to play disappointed by games selection (didn't have my list at the time), they said we'd go and just get me a few games the next day.
Well this is aimed at gamestop. So LBP was sold out (kinda expected that) So I'm picking up Valkyria Chronicles (new), R&CF: ToD (used), MGS4 (used) and MGS3 (used). I have to get mgs3 to avoid a beatdown by my 'sis'. So it was just ok. So I wait in line for.. 30 minutes (like I donno what was going on this mom easily took 15 minute sto check out like wtf?!) then there were some guys ahead of me. The helper took my games and started to put them in boxes then ya know I paid etc. So after paying my mom wanders off, but I dont have my games. They couldn't find Valkyria Chronicles (THE NEW GAME!, freaking marked new, put out for someone to buy). They pull out the sign out records, no one signed it out. They couldn't find it in any drawers. So 20 minutes of standing by the counter probably looking like an ass/retard, they dont find it. And give me a gift card with the full price of valkyria on it, with appologies. LIKE WTF! This is strike 2 on them. I'm about to shun gamestop for F***ing ever. The first strike went on when they screwed both of my brothers (multiple times) on giving the wrong games in cases, not putting it in, and a few other screwball things... So blah.

I'm peeved a lot at gamestop. I get a case from the wall I EXPECT TO GET THE DAMN GAME. Not an appology on that they couldn't find it, and if i want them to they can keep looking with low probability of success. Egh!

3. So I get home and go to play some Ratchet n Clank Future... I load the game in and it tells me "412mb of space needed for preinstall.." I was just livid. A new ps3, 80gb of space... 60gb of it free (I had a day so i DL'ed home and a few psone games to keep me occupied). So i was just WTF! So i put in MGS4 and it installs fine. Didn't play it for i dont want a beatdown...
All in all 'sis' found out it was a problem with the first press of R&CF and I had to dl a 500mb demo or whatever and clear the memory and it would work. So i did and it worked.

Ugh; developers can't you make these things known and make a quick fix for them without making the end consumer screw up? Now I know i didn't buy it new but damn well.. I couldn't find it NEW so i had to get it used.

Ugh; Good holiday, bad experiences.

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The divine intermediatory... [16 Dec 2008|10:20pm]
I don't get it.
I probably never well.

Why do I feel so evil...? Am I just some curse in the package of some lucky charm? I donno, and I don't get whats going on in my life. I don't understand... never have never will.

All I know is there are weights on my heart, and they are pulling me down, and apart. I donno what to really figure, am I some asshole? or am I some amazing guy...? I donno no one seems to know.

Once again I fail, once again I feel like ripping myself apart... but i guess thats only me..
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The lost emotions... [14 Sep 2008|07:11pm]
So Yeah I had swallowed something I didn't want to on friday cause something didn't work out the way it should have. And blah blah blah... I spent this weekend in what I call "Recovery mode." Where I don't feel anything and I just want to figure out whats going on..

But what isn't as normal is the result. Normally in the result, I take a part of my heart and nail it to something I own (figuratively) and leave it to die... this time.. I am not but i'm trying something else...

we'll see how it works...
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The wheel turns again... And I lose a little more of myself [25 Aug 2008|01:33am]
So here I am once again, debating the same thing over and over in my head.
"Will it work?"
"Why did it happen?"
"Do you really feel that way?"
"Will it last?"
"Is this for real?"
"Am I just a lost dog?"
"Why does she .... me?"
"Why do I .... her?"

and the cycle repeats... with the last questions always...
"How can they love me?"
"Why should I love myself?"
"What is she seeing that I'm not...?"

And with that, I'm just lost lost lost... in soo many stupid dreams...
and once again... I have insomnia... And classes are now starting... *sighes*

Random ambigious Nervous Emotional (guy)

P.S. And then I lose myself... I'm not myself... I really am not anymore.
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Sick of Colorado [02 Jul 2008|10:29pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Well even though work finally got busy today (and I might've actually made some money) I think I'm done with being in colorado. I am finding myself kinda hating it out here... I guess its because I'm in the mentality that its not really worth much to really expand out here. I'm maybe going to be here 4 months of a year... If I do choose to come out, which next year I might barely even be in colorado so I'm like blah.

My family is just weird to a point. I don't really have much to do, sure my bro has a 360 and I could be playing things like Lost Odyssey or some other good title he has, but even though he did change the location of the xbox when he first placed it in his room after I asked him to not... it just kinda killed the thoughts of touching the damn thing. Especially since even when my other bro does use it and moves it (after owner passes out at night) the next night its back in his room to watch a movie or something.. Kinda disgusts me.

So then I'm left with three more options around the house to kill time. I got P3: FES on the ps2: well its a good idea, and a great game but.. The more I play it the more... well.. I just want to go get a mem card to drag back to gainesville so i'll still have my data but thats goign to be a pain.
The other option was bum off my bro's WOW acct (still technically under my name, the original acct I had that he through a lot of BS claims as "his"... Still haven't seen the original 50$ for the acct...) but he killed that option by putting his comp in his room. So I can't even just chat with the friends i was playing with for the summer anymore. And its just annoying getting aim texts (well texts from aim cause my phone is cool like that apparently) with the questions "You coming on today?" "When will you return?" and blah blah blah.
So i'm down to the last option here, TV. Did you think it was hang out with people...? Well I guess i do have some friends from work but the scheduling sucks... I only get to do Lunches its seems and other people are busy. On tuesdays its like a sushi night and I forgot to give out my phone # to contact and set crap up, foul on my part. But otherwise Theo is the one who does crap. They all aim to go out to clubs and other places where I'm still "just shy" of that magic #. So it doesn't really work out for shit except tuesdays (if i ever remember to give out my #).

And besides all that, i've been busy helping out my mom around and all that jazz... whilst my brothers use the excuse to not help of ... "OH i have a life!"
its just kinda f***ing sad that out of everyone I dont get a life and i'm stuck cleaning up and all whatever. Sometimes I guess I just know why I get depressed around my family and all that repeated bs I get in my head. Except for those few times when my bros show what little thanks they have for me... i'm busting my nuts for them. And when >>I<< dont do something I hear it from now til next year... but lord if they didn't do a damn thing... I still get to hear it from now til next year.

And I used to wonder why I was sooo depressed... You thought i'd have figured it out...

colorado w/ family.... is not the place for me apparently


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Finished WEWY [18 Jun 2008|12:36am]
So yeah, I finally finished The world ends with you. Took me a bit, but I got it, its no 100% but I got the extra ending, the reports. MOST of the noise and blah blah. I just wanna get back to P3: FES but the damn crap here at the place isn't hooked up...

Oh yeah, i forgot to mention...
my family moved like 5 miles down the highway in colorado. So I got to enjoy doing TWO moves this summer (one for myself going from old apt to new apt, and this one). Anyway, this house is made of pure awesome and win, 6200 sq ft (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) a lot of cool things. We also are "borrowing" from the owner of the house two Big/flat/widescreens (i'd say at least 40in) and a pool table. Although we don't own th ehouse we are renting it and if no one "Buys" it in a year or so, there is a damn good chance that my family will own it after that...
kinda crazy, but I dont really have a bed room here, and its blah. Crap still isn't set up about the only thing "Finished" is the kitchen.

I'm just getting over the fact that now I am working a job, and i've been moving... muscles aren't exactly built for this shit... including the fact that the grass is just fresh sod and that means I have to mow it again tomorrow despite having done it two days ago, then i have to do it again probably this weekend (looking @ you saturday)...

On other notes:
1. I haven't gotten my labtop back yet, after I do so... I'll draw up some prelims for Chico's Alucard Shield.
2. I need to buy Seiken Densetsu 3 so I can speed run it. the game is awesome and I just wannna own it but the people over at www.speeddemosarchive.com kinda talked me into it. I did most of the planning, so i might as well execute the ~5hr run through of the game.
3. I need to figure out a damn way to stop this feeling that in the end i'm gonna end up like a husk. That I need to stop feeling like i'm going to an eventual downfall where at the end of the day, I wont be me... I will just be some "auto pilot" walking around and passing days by... its a sad feeling...

I just hope everything goes alright with my dad though... bad crap today... If you read the national news, i'm sure you'll know if you know me! otherwise I'll wait... stuff is still in the planning.
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Alone in a room full of souls... [24 May 2008|05:01am]
[ mood | discontent ]

So I have had my week vacation... I'm about to start actively looking for a job here in colorado for the summer. I have to go get a haircut, I need to go and shave. The mountain man look doesn't really apply to many business' around here so Its gotta go.

So Who knows where I'll be but I guess I must be doing ok. Its just I have that feeling that no matter if I was in the center of china with the billion of people around me I'd still feel alone. It's just I need to get some stuff done, and this job should help me. I need to get back onto a schedule.. I need to see the light in something, and I need to stop talking to my brother's GF. I don't another set up and advice from another person on how I should be in my life.

And I am getting sick of people telling me "Oh your the youngest? You must've had your road paved for you!" I just HATE that statement. I got a lot of crap from the stuff my bros tried to pin on me, I was just the smart one and didn't get caught or didn't do whatever they did to get their punishments. I took my own path, and paved it myself. I had so many nights where I just wanted to die, but oh no! "My life was easy! You had the clear paved road!" i wanna scream out into the mountains, that my life just sucks! I just wanna say it and forget it. And start a new, but its not ever just that simple is it?

Oh well, maybe with a job to keep me busy my mind won't have such thoughts running through it and a lot of other things. I'm just so glad that this last week was just a little brief reprieve from the long hours of work I'll be doing, and then the eventual return to college where more hours and more migraines are going to happen...

but the best part... I get to know that people don't really even read this.

Thanks all, venting is great...


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just punked myself.... [30 Apr 2008|05:37pm]
#&(%&#*%@^(*&^ I just did it.. I said I wouldn't... I said I'd be up by 2... I'd get on campus by 2:30.. I'd be there early...

no no Just couldn't do it; could I?

I punked myself..

Slept til 5...
test started at 3... ended at 5!

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Ever have that... one feeling? [30 Apr 2008|07:12am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

So here it is final day of this semester, one last test to take and I can't help but feel... OK.

I am not saying I don't have my still chronic clinic depression or anything, but I'm not worried about today, nothing is really... breaking my back. Things could go well, or they could go bad, but all in all its alright.

I am just feeling that after this, I don't really know what I want to do... college is just soo much f***ing work and soo much stress... and soo much... soo much... that it depresses me. I don't feel like I'm fit for this location at this time. 14 years so far in the minimum, going on 15.. of straight learning, and its getting to my head. I don't feel smart... There is no one on the face of this earth who could ever make me feel any different... I might have a moment of brillance, but given enough time, as they say, even monkeys could write shakespeare. So its only a matter of time before each person has their "moments of brillance". I'm just not feeling it really. I have nothing but heavy depression and I refuse to see a doctor, mostly for the fact I don't want this bullshit pill way of curing it.

So what can I really say, is it just myself drowning in my own tears doing this to myself? Too depressed to move on, too drowning in my own sorrows to start to swim ? I mean... there is nothing to really say, there hasn't been anything really good to happen to me in a damn long while..
Two times this semester my labtop has failed, my car is in the shop. I feel like I don't know what to really do.

I mean I want to know what people think of me, but at the same time I just deny whatever you say if its positive...

For example, I once asked V~ "Why do you adore me?" and even then after her answer I never understood, for the most part one big mental block of, "How could anyone hold any real affection for me?".

Which then points me into so many more... I mean why can I really move on in life? How do I "stay alive" day to day?

I wanna just shout TRANNOSAURUS REX and feel better, but its just not working anymore. Monty Python isn't tickling my funny bone. I'm getting bored with the same thing day to day.

Will I really be okay once summer is done? After the few months of labour and relaxation of my mind?

There is no real end to this... well at least no end that is in close sight. I could take up so many offers, push myself out there to get someone who matters, someone to hold, but I'm stuck waiting on people that I shouldn't. I'm stuck with feelings I can't deny and those which I don't wanna drop. I'm found loving those already loved, and have developed a feeling that love is wasted only on the already loved... Which leaves me out of my own picture, as i've stated before "How could anyone hold affection for me?"

Another deep talk... another rant... another day of nothing ness.

It was going to be just ok... it was going to be just ok... I'm just gonna go back to listening to my prozzak and wait for that time when reality folds into itself....

Or at least until I get out of doesn't matter... and maybe into matter, or anti-matter or something....


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The life rebounded [11 Mar 2008|08:51pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Well I'm 20 now. Been that way since friday and well, I don't feel so much the problems of being a teenager... I'm now focused on this problem... this problem with time, and its ever fleeting wings.

Well My lease with Skyler is ending soon, and then I'll probably be living with cormac. The possibility of living with david isn't looking too good, but this doesn't matter so much. I'm now worried, two years from now... where the f*** will I be?

Thats one thing, but the other thing on my mind is that emptyness, its still there. And Its showing no signs of going away...

Its great that kitty found somebody, cause I've just never had the best motions to be able to go up to her. I dont have the money, and the time is slowly running out, and now I am a bit torn. I'm glad she is with somebody, but now cause I dont wanna do something stupid I find myself wondering where is the friend boundary linea nd all that good stuff. Its just a mess...

I want to have someone to hold,

but its not happening...


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2 weeks + 4 days... [18 Feb 2008|01:16am]
Soon.. the days of being a teen aged bastard will be gone...

two weeks

four days...

what is this madness that my life is constructed of? I need to learn time.. learn to slow it..

I need to learn health... learn to keep it..

I need to learn... so much...

I just want to feel good...

I just want to know someone cares....

I just want to know... that when all is said and done i will be loved...

but that's not happening..

the knowledge isn't there...

and it doesn't seem to come at all... maybe later?

maybe after this ghostly soul has moved on?

Rambling aiming (at) nothing exactly
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This new year.... [03 Jan 2008|03:39am]
[ mood | cold ]

So i haven't posted in so long..

My christmas went well.. I got some good things, then tried out snowboarding.. I need to build some ankle strength and such before i try again next year... I dont feel like trying to fit into the rush ... Actually i mean in march. I'll try again in march just in my spring break i suppose..

Well, Over all this time, i have been doing better. I've been fighting, and wrestling with my demons. All are gone but this 1 so strongly cemented into my being. Its this one... one... uhm; I call it "the demon of my soul".

I do not rest well, and its often putting wierd things into my head. Its not like all of my other ones, this one is so hard to fight. and I hate it I HATE I HATE I HATE IT!

I dislike this feeling I get so often. I dislike this feeling I get when I do things... I dislike this feeling I get when i'm typing, talking to those I feel for..

Feelings are so the worst thing. They suck royally... I wanna turn off my emotional tap for a while... I wanna just cut the dripping, cut the slack. Turn off the faucet and try again another day.

I've been talking a lot to three people lately.
Alice, Victoria(Vicki) and Emily. All 3 are fucking awesome. All 3 shouldn't ever be worried about anything, they are good people. Alice is tied up in so much crap I feel sorry for her. Between all of her friends needing her like people need water, i dont know how she can keep that fake smile going so well..
Victoria is so far away, and while so smart, is also so dumb. She puts her eggs in baskets and pushes to make sure they work. Its a great plan, but... how many baskets can you really push to sell at the end of the day? I wish she knew what she was doing by swearing off this Love thing for a while. I know what it's done to me... and Its why I dont want to turn off the faucet of my feelings. But in allreality I GIVE! I dont know.. I guess I'm going to have to put myself through the one thing I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I'm going to have to learn how to hate her soon. Just enough so I wont have deep felt feelings... but just enough so we can still be friends.. This is going to be hard.
Emily is just.. emily. She has her ups her downs. She is fidgety just like all that, and silly.

I dont wanna turn off this faucet, but who knows?

Tonight i'm going to bleed.. tonight i'm going to dream....

Yours truly,
Random anonymous nobody everknowing (nothing)

Still alive.......... [20 Nov 2007|05:53am]
[ mood | cold ]

... For those who haven't heard it you should. Go to youtube and search for "Still alive" its at the end of portal... good song... but more or less yeah.

I'm not doing well, i've been getting headaches, my body has been aching. my sleeping has gone wonkers. I couldn't pick a time to go to bed right now if my life depended on it. Its all crazy and it really makes me doubt I am really even alive. I feel almost dead at times. I kinda hate this feeling... knowing everything and not wanting to sleep. I wanted to clarify what i meant by damaged goods. I'm not sane, i'm not normal. I'm not good, i'm not evil. I'm almost nothing in all comparison because of everything. I am going through a hard part in my life, and I say that with a handful of salt. I've had a long hard stretch in my life. But this is by far the worst. Before, a while ago, before summer ended. I had family, no matter what. I was close enough that if shit really hit the fan I could get ahold of any one of my family and they'd be here. Now its just me and Theo... and Theo isn't fairing so well. He is living and doing fine, but he isn't in excess yet. And won't be for some time. Thus in the rare off chance i'll see theo, probably by my own hand, its going to be something probably serious or what not. and if it is serious its probably me saving theo.

I've lost my safety net, i dont have a hole to crawl back into, I dont have a warm bed that is always going to be there for me, with people I know who will care, and despite their tactics in trying to better me or anything at the end of the day, we will be together cause our blood is thicker than anything.

but now this brings me to my point: I'm lost. I dont have much.. its as my avatar points out, the fear of being alone. Sure I got skyler, but thats gonna fade out faster than you can say "fuck". He got a girl. I got cormac, well thats... a double edged blade. he has so many double standards and what not I sometimes cant so much stand to be in his presence for long periods of time.
I got... uhm... lets see... no one else. I got friends online but, they have lives and they dont need me badgering them about mine. They gotta live, you too kitty. Its all a fact, and so well. I'm gettting that feeling of being distant.. and slowly fading into darkness. I've never had that many friends, mostly cause I find that if you can't take me at headstrong, full faced myself. You really shouldn't be my friend. Skyler tells me to "tone down the nerd" but, i've heard more compliments from people cause I am me. I am here now everything ME. but i'm only me, and if anyone remembers the sims, social is apart of happiness, and i'm watching that drain slowly. I dont like to bother people, but it seems like i'm going to have to. So I wont. Thats why i'm writing this here...

where barely anyone will read it for any time. Sure alice might take a look at it, in about a month. Brad or mom might see it, but i'm probably gonna talk to them wednesday so its not gonna matter so much...

tis just.. I'm damaged goods cause I hurt myself before, and now I'm trying to stay within my own little shell. I dont wanna overstep, I don't wanna land on a crack. I want to be safe.. and its probably gonna hurt, its gonna maim. its not gonna be pretty.

So with that statement I leave this now...


cue lyrics

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here:
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are
still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLad. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think i prefer to stay inside.
Mabey you'll find someone else
to help you.
Mabey Black Mesa...
Anyway this cake is great.
Its so delicious and moist
look at me still talking when theres science to do
when i look out there
it makes me glad im not you
ive experiments to be done
there is research to be done
on the people who are
still alive.

and belive me im am still alive
im doing science and im still alive
i feel fantastic and im still alive
while your dying ill be still alive
and when your dead i will be still alive
still alive
still alive

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So... yeah, I can't keep up this bleeding... [13 Nov 2007|06:28am]
[ mood | discontent ]

So after doing all that I decide... to be stupid...

I really should just cut out my heart... would make things a lot easier... there isn't a Need for myself to be reproducing...

Sure I'm the "smart" one of my family, but considering the people I've hurt, and how in that process I've hurt myself... I can't call myself "fair goods". I find myself to be damaged and in disrepair. I wish no one to have to deal with damaged goods.

One more time... it wont matter but I feel I have to

Sorry...... To those that i've cursed
Sorry again... To those that i've wrong
Sorry another time... to those i've misunderstood
Sorry one last time... To Those Who Were In My Heart, and I LOVED... but In Seeing Reality It could NEVER be.. So I hurt you sooner... to stop it from happening later...

Really Am {Sorry}, kNowing (all) Emotions...

PS: I'm glad that some people cut all ties with me... It just shows that some people are better at killing the past than I am. I don't want to re-open old wounds again... mine or anyone else's.

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Clearing out those old, old, memories [13 Nov 2007|04:47am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

So i went back into my hotmail... i was looking for some old poetry and stories i wrote (I found em amazingly.... gotta love my policy to back everything up majorly online and on discs...).

So anyway, I also decided it was about time to delete a lot of those old emails... Thus I went down the list...

-Killed every LJ notification I kept
-Killed every old email from Diana
-Killed every old email from Lilmoo/Aubrey
-Killed every old email from Kay/Michele
-Killed every old email that didn't have anything of worth...

So yeah; I decided while the past is a good place to visit... I don't need to linger there. So with the open wounds bleeding I cut off every message for a while, then I just started deleting them without reading them. So its all gone..

Then i went ahead and did that for my gmail acct... and then for my college email acct...

Its all crazy all these old things i've held onto...

hell the saved folder I had on gaia online had old convos from Vicki (Nataku) and Diana and Michele, I went and deleted those. i just don't a lot of these old memories to hold me down. As good as some of them were... I don't want old memories to keep me under some painful thoughts... as bad as of them were.

Thus, if you have any thoughts on this... Did you think I was right to delete all these old emails? I mean some of them dated back to '04... Man I'm such a pack rat with these things..

What do you all (who even reads this PoS) think?


(e)Rasing Another Not-so-needed Emotional-memory

Oh and btw;;

Say yes - by Elliot Smith

I'm in love
With the world
Through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after
We broke up
A month ago
Then I grew up
I didn't know
I'd be around
The morning after

It's always been
Wait and see
A happy day
And then you pay
And feel like shit
The morning after

But now I feel
Changed around
And instead
Of falling down
I'm standing up
The morning after

Situations get fucked up
And turned around
Sooner or later

I could be
Another fool
Or an exception
To the rule
You tell me
The morning after

Crickets spin can't come to rest,
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants

I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows
See how it is...
They want you or they don't

Say Yes

I'm in love
With the world
Through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after

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The cracks they show, they show...... [21 Oct 2007|02:57am]
[ mood | cold ]

i'm getting sick of sleep... its just so annoying, it treats me so harshly... I can't dream, as most people know... but well lately that seems like a lie as I have a dream about once a week lately.... i used to only get a small one once a month, now they come big and weekly...

They also never make sense, and even if i tried to remember them, it'd just seem stupid... but its not the stupidness of the dreams that makes me tire of sleep, I've found that each one has to do with some female in my life that I wish i could or could have been with. There is so much more to do and explain to even touch this subject but I guess i should anyway, if its off my shoulder's... well maybe if it will come off of them anyway...

but before i start this, for the record, i wish my heart would just turn black, expel itself from my body, and then bury its own corpse in some hole 20000 feet deep; 2000 miles away, so i'd never have to worry about it ever again....

The girl #1: Samantha - This is probably one thing I thought i would never worry about, but apparently she saw it more than I, especially in her statement of "I dont like you, and I wont ever like you," but thats ... nevermind i'm not thinking straight.. anyway... I stupified this one up so bad, and I know where it all when wrong. I had no intention of dating her, she was a cool ass friend, nice, and to say that she isn't very good looking is a lie... but That one day, where I was being me, and was trying to help her... I said one of the stupidest things ever... I said something to the point that I must've made her feel worthless and dependant on me... worst thing i could've ever said.. I dont know what came over me, it was more or less meant as a joke but thats my fate... So I lost about everyone in High school I knew over this affair.. I dont even know who really even cares about my existance... but thats... for another day.

The girl #2: Diana - This was probably one of my dumbest moves in my life so far, especially since she lives in Australia and all that jazz.. I couldn't explain to her in any logical way of why I had to do what I did. While for quite a while I did love her and felt deeply for her... I couldn't ever see myself breaking off so much to go to Australia to stay, and it didn't seem like she had any intention of leaving her home (Please dont be mad), and while she was head over heels for me in the early game, I was... so worried, and so depressed, and so emo then. "How could she love me so? I'm so worthless" was apart of my main stream knowledge... This lead to problem after problem, and eventually I knew that I would do harm to Diana if we kept this up for long, So i decided to do the lesser harm and ruin it all at once at that point... I took someone (in truth) that i cared for at least enough to say that I would've probably swam the pacific to help her out, and made her HATE me... I did it all for her though, but i doubt she'd understand. I made her think so bad of me, made her wish she didn't know me, and all that jazz.. I had to.. Its the only way to make someone not love you... or not to love someone, prove that you hate them just that much more....

The girl #3: Victoria (aka n'shii / QoU - V)- this was the one girl who probably made me turn myself around so much from my emo stage... Her possibilities, her hopes, and her words... always just cut into me, she was so smart, so pretty and all that jazz. What could I do? I was shocked and bleeding from so many parts, that she somehow just could stick bandages on my heart and she claimed it, still healing and took care of it (while she did) and tried to see me back to health, but.. i was just fresh out of ruining myself to someone, and making them hate me, i hated me.. I didn't want to be me, everything about me sucked.. and I drug her through the dirt, and spat on her in essence. I wished nothing to harm her... but I've never been the smartest person in the world, nor the best at doing things in one try. Thus I hurt her hard... she is back to talking to me, and I want to make it up to her.. she doesn't know how much she helped me change through the 2 years of silence between us.

The Girl #4: Alice (not the wonderland one) - well, to say i'm not conflicted now would be a lie, and its all just so wrong... She's nice, smart and classy.. I'm quite sad that I lost track of her between middle school and college, for those 4 years of high school despite there wasn't even a block of real road between us, we never saw, and never even went to the same school. She maybe figured that day I approached her while she was passing classes to see if it was her, that I had liked her in middle school, but then again, in those years I was fresh off getting my heart a new breath of fresh air, as it landed in some public trash can laughed at by a decent crowd, and then the eventual mocking of my .... figure. I can't really say so much why, but... She is there, and I hate it so much everytime I would go to think of her...

The girl #5: Emily (Yyuli) - Kitty, as I call her, is probably another one I couldn't dare to let go of, between any of these and it just hurts me to even think of what I'm debating. I dont feel its right to be able to be over here debating and trying and so many other things when she is ...... not hung up per say but... I help her out, and love her.. its just hard... I dont know what to say, maybe I dont feel so strong of a pull because we always try to talk and thus i'm stuck with the "grass is greener" outlook.. While she has her moments, she is awesome, and that is all that matters in the end, right?

The girls (Minor) : Michele - for a while i was hooked on her, and it seemed like a good thing to try, but after so much and the eventual 3 no's and the events with Chi, i never really got back into it, and thus I dont know if this was a solid feeling or a strung out version of Infatuation, but all I know is, she is nice, and she comes and goes in my dreams and blackened damaged heart, I am not sure why, maybe its cause i'm worried for her? Maybe they were solid feelings? Who knows, I don't

Lauren (MS) - she was the first one i wanted to try to see how things would work in a relationship. I took my chance, and it proved to be the worst thing i've ever done. I chased after her with a note gave it, and ran away. I found out the next day.. that so many people knew and everyone just laughed at me... I wont forget it, this memory brings no pain from my heart, just only from deep within my soul...

all of these.. females provide weight onto my heart... and I would like to just drop my heart.. let it go, and be able to have all of my powers of imagination to move forward... so maybe.. I can just be alone in my career.. cause in the end, can anyone have a TRUE goal that would require more dedication that someone who is in love could handle.. I want to complete this one thing so bad.. I've often thought of learning to cut off the thoughts, the actions, the impulses, and everything tied to Love, short of using it in attaining my goal.

After so long, I probably could... let it all go, and come back to it in years, but... This leaves me with a problem of sorts.. I find that whenever i tend to cut off these things, the stuff i'm missing just ends up piling up and jamming my systems til it can come through, that eventually I'll have breaks and kinks in my plan, and at the overall end, my sanity will be destoryed, my will to live maybe as well, cause when all is said and done all of the stuff i've been ignoring will slam me at once, and maybe i'll be strong then but I can't guarentee that.. I wont say I can't defend against it, but... If i can't... I think I could... but what kind of person would I be... if I lived without Love?

"You've been doomed ever since you lost the Will to Love" - Alucard castlevania Symphony of the NIght
"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

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