i'm getting sick of sleep... its just so annoying, it treats me so harshly... I can't dream, as most people know... but well lately that seems like a lie as I have a dream about once a week lately.... i used to only get a small one once a month, now they come big and weekly...
They also never make sense, and even if i tried to remember them, it'd just seem stupid... but its not the stupidness of the dreams that makes me tire of sleep, I've found that each one has to do with some female in my life that I wish i could or could have been with. There is so much more to do and explain to even touch this subject but I guess i should anyway, if its off my shoulder's... well maybe if it will come off of them anyway...
but before i start this, for the record, i wish my heart would just turn black, expel itself from my body, and then bury its own corpse in some hole 20000 feet deep; 2000 miles away, so i'd never have to worry about it ever again....
The girl #1: Samantha - This is probably one thing I thought i would never worry about, but apparently she saw it more than I, especially in her statement of "I dont like you, and I wont ever like you," but thats ... nevermind i'm not thinking straight.. anyway... I stupified this one up so bad, and I know where it all when wrong. I had no intention of dating her, she was a cool ass friend, nice, and to say that she isn't very good looking is a lie... but That one day, where I was being me, and was trying to help her... I said one of the stupidest things ever... I said something to the point that I must've made her feel worthless and dependant on me... worst thing i could've ever said.. I dont know what came over me, it was more or less meant as a joke but thats my fate... So I lost about everyone in High school I knew over this affair.. I dont even know who really even cares about my existance... but thats... for another day.
The girl #2: Diana - This was probably one of my dumbest moves in my life so far, especially since she lives in Australia and all that jazz.. I couldn't explain to her in any logical way of why I had to do what I did. While for quite a while I did love her and felt deeply for her... I couldn't ever see myself breaking off so much to go to Australia to stay, and it didn't seem like she had any intention of leaving her home (Please dont be mad), and while she was head over heels for me in the early game, I was... so worried, and so depressed, and so emo then. "How could she love me so? I'm so worthless" was apart of my main stream knowledge... This lead to problem after problem, and eventually I knew that I would do harm to Diana if we kept this up for long, So i decided to do the lesser harm and ruin it all at once at that point... I took someone (in truth) that i cared for at least enough to say that I would've probably swam the pacific to help her out, and made her HATE me... I did it all for her though, but i doubt she'd understand. I made her think so bad of me, made her wish she didn't know me, and all that jazz.. I had to.. Its the only way to make someone not love you... or not to love someone, prove that you hate them just that much more....
The girl #3: Victoria (aka n'shii / QoU - V)- this was the one girl who probably made me turn myself around so much from my emo stage... Her possibilities, her hopes, and her words... always just cut into me, she was so smart, so pretty and all that jazz. What could I do? I was shocked and bleeding from so many parts, that she somehow just could stick bandages on my heart and she claimed it, still healing and took care of it (while she did) and tried to see me back to health, but.. i was just fresh out of ruining myself to someone, and making them hate me, i hated me.. I didn't want to be me, everything about me sucked.. and I drug her through the dirt, and spat on her in essence. I wished nothing to harm her... but I've never been the smartest person in the world, nor the best at doing things in one try. Thus I hurt her hard... she is back to talking to me, and I want to make it up to her.. she doesn't know how much she helped me change through the 2 years of silence between us.
The Girl #4: Alice (not the wonderland one) - well, to say i'm not conflicted now would be a lie, and its all just so wrong... She's nice, smart and classy.. I'm quite sad that I lost track of her between middle school and college, for those 4 years of high school despite there wasn't even a block of real road between us, we never saw, and never even went to the same school. She maybe figured that day I approached her while she was passing classes to see if it was her, that I had liked her in middle school, but then again, in those years I was fresh off getting my heart a new breath of fresh air, as it landed in some public trash can laughed at by a decent crowd, and then the eventual mocking of my .... figure. I can't really say so much why, but... She is there, and I hate it so much everytime I would go to think of her...
The girl #5: Emily (Yyuli) - Kitty, as I call her, is probably another one I couldn't dare to let go of, between any of these and it just hurts me to even think of what I'm debating. I dont feel its right to be able to be over here debating and trying and so many other things when she is ...... not hung up per say but... I help her out, and love her.. its just hard... I dont know what to say, maybe I dont feel so strong of a pull because we always try to talk and thus i'm stuck with the "grass is greener" outlook.. While she has her moments, she is awesome, and that is all that matters in the end, right?
The girls (Minor) : Michele - for a while i was hooked on her, and it seemed like a good thing to try, but after so much and the eventual 3 no's and the events with Chi, i never really got back into it, and thus I dont know if this was a solid feeling or a strung out version of Infatuation, but all I know is, she is nice, and she comes and goes in my dreams and blackened damaged heart, I am not sure why, maybe its cause i'm worried for her? Maybe they were solid feelings? Who knows, I don't
Lauren (MS) - she was the first one i wanted to try to see how things would work in a relationship. I took my chance, and it proved to be the worst thing i've ever done. I chased after her with a note gave it, and ran away. I found out the next day.. that so many people knew and everyone just laughed at me... I wont forget it, this memory brings no pain from my heart, just only from deep within my soul...
all of these.. females provide weight onto my heart... and I would like to just drop my heart.. let it go, and be able to have all of my powers of imagination to move forward... so maybe.. I can just be alone in my career.. cause in the end, can anyone have a TRUE goal that would require more dedication that someone who is in love could handle.. I want to complete this one thing so bad.. I've often thought of learning to cut off the thoughts, the actions, the impulses, and everything tied to Love, short of using it in attaining my goal.
After so long, I probably could... let it all go, and come back to it in years, but... This leaves me with a problem of sorts.. I find that whenever i tend to cut off these things, the stuff i'm missing just ends up piling up and jamming my systems til it can come through, that eventually I'll have breaks and kinks in my plan, and at the overall end, my sanity will be destoryed, my will to live maybe as well, cause when all is said and done all of the stuff i've been ignoring will slam me at once, and maybe i'll be strong then but I can't guarentee that.. I wont say I can't defend against it, but... If i can't... I think I could... but what kind of person would I be... if I lived without Love?
"You've been doomed ever since you lost the Will to Love" - Alucard castlevania Symphony of the NIght
"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."